My Mom emailed me last night to let me know a lot of things, the most important of which is that my Grandpa has decided to sell his house. I mean, he's been living with my parents for months now so all the house does is sit there and hold stuff. It makes sense, I'm not trying to he should keep it when it serves to real purpose, but I'm a selfish person.
I had a complete emotional breakdown last night because of it.
The last time I was there was after my grandmother passed away, which in case you were wondering was a year ago tomorrow.
I emailed her back and said that it made me really sad, but I knew that it was the right thing to do. She sent me back It's not the house, it's the stuff that made the memories in the house... which properly sent me off crying again. I couldn't even say anything in response. I don't have any words.
After a bit of internal conflict, I changed my LJ name. Formerly eellewzeeya, now mlleraquel. I just wanted to keep things consistent.
I really wasn't sure about changing it. I mean, I've had this for over seven years. It looks so weird to see the new name at the top of my header and what not. Still... yeah.
So, my obsession with The Tudors keeps getting bigger. I've wanted a paid account for a while, but what gave me cause to actually get one? The thought that I could have Tudors icons, and a lot of them. And now, for the first time ever, I have a mood theme! It didn't take me that long to figure out how to get it to work, either. Now I just need a layout, for the trifecta.
There are many memories I wish I could make disappear, but the ones of you I wish the most.
Everything about you sticks with me. Your laugh, your tone of voice, your jokes, your warmth, your touch. The way you took me in with your friendship and made me feel safe. The way you shattered me. The way you betrayed. The way I still had to see you every day, even after all of it. The way you pretended nothing happened, nothing changed. Your false concern and quick retreat.
So many memories I could chose are days, moments in time. I would rather get rid of the memory of you. At the same time I wish we could have worked past the issues. I wish you could have seen how you shut me out of your life when I needed you more than ever. It's because you couldn't see -- that's why I chose the memory of you.
And good riddance.
Shoving the drawer in and practically pulling my arm out of socket to pull the next drawer out was a symbol of triumph.
One down, how many more to go?
It was like a constant winning battle.
It was a scavenger hunt.
It was constantly being able to help hundreds of people in the future.
Without me, how would they ever be able to find anything? More of a scavenger hunt than that was the constant search for missing materials. Was it a copy two or just the original? Damn, I thought I found it. Wait, I did! Barcode matches can’t lie! It was one more thing to cross off my list with a defiant line across the page – proving once again my super sleuth status here in the stacks. Reporting to the front desk I was handed my next mission, the next piece of paper with tiny print spewed ungratefully from a printer. With a knowing look to my fellow warriors, I took off up the stairs. How little time could I use to find this lost treasure? The faster I went the faster I could come back triumphant, ready to do battle again. The library was my domain.
*HUGS* TOTAL!give eellewzeeya more *HUGS*Get hugs of your own
And just for a bonus, a bit of amusement:
"Illusion? Newsie from Harlem, dating a big chap in a gang up there?" Jigger grinned at Ansley, "You must be Big Chap. But her whereabouts at the moment? Nah, I just got done runnin' a message from Jacky boy ta Queens. But heard sumthin' was going on. I want in on the excitement!"
This is what happens when I sit at home and read through old transcripts. I get amused by the littlest things, like this:
Trophy104: I've missed you..and morning..and siren..and jared..*drags on*
Illusion11201: *jared?* *doesn't miss him* *nods a little*
LilDaisyJane: *comes on the loudspeaker* Come join us in the GV Lounge!
Illusion11201: *salutes* I shall be there interfrastically
LilDaisyJane: at ease soldier!
Illusion11201: *goes to at ease* Yes ma'm!
LilDaisyJane: *nods* *and goes to bug others*
SugaPlm36: ILLYKINS! OH MY LORD!
Illusion11201: OH MY LORD WHAT?
Mgfrog18: This is gonna be the inside joke from now on.
Mgfrog18: "Hey! Rachel! *chucks it back*"
(I wonder if he actually remembers that...)
censor me x: I thought you were from australia for some reason...
Illusion11201: hm....got time to rp?
AzureBlueEyez: Do I have time to BREATH!?!? Duuh I always have time to RP with YOU, Illykins! ;-)
And last but not least...
rnbowofillusions: I know. Why do I want to do this again? I think I'd rather run away screaming.
Illusion11201: Because we can change them. *nods*
rnbowofillusions: We can mould them into our own little army! The Illusionary Socks Army! ;-)
rnbowofillusions: The ISA! Whoo!
Illusion11201: Oo...I like it!
These aren't supposed to make sense...they're just some of the things that made me laugh
I haven't been to college yet and I already hate it. Just even thinking of applying makes my brain hurt. I either can't pick colleges right or I can't pick majors right...it just makes me want to curl up under my feather tick (yay feather tick) and try to sleep, rather than face it.
Apparently what I love to do doesn't equal a good career choice in my parents' eyes. True, they freaked when Beth told them that she wanted to be an Arts major, rather than a Dentist, but at least I'm letting them know now that nothing constructive will come of my life. My great plans of doing what I love forever and a day doesn't line up with being the perfect child, oh damn.
The comes the choice of a college. I just can't win. Enough said.
Just talking to Brett tonight made me giddy. Why? Theatre. It's what we talk about. Theatre makes me overjoyed and I feel at home just lurking in the darkness of the backstage area. Oh, wait, that's right...not a constructive career! I told my mum I wanted to major in music and minor in theatre, perhaps, and she just about ripped my head off by telling me that I wouldn't amount to anything and that I would never have a successful relationship. What does that relationship thing matter if I'm doomed to be the cat lady? Let me live my life -my- way and do what I love, woman!
Filling out applications causes me to need coffee. Don't ask why, it just does. Unfortunately, there was no coffee avaliable tonight when I was put through the torture of sitting there with my mother for a long period of time, making sure I hadn't screwed anything up too terribly. I can't win no matter what I do. I just can't. I'm sorry to everyone I've failed in my lovely decision to amount to nothing, but it's all my thing now, not anyone elses. Ugh.
I hate college.
Wanna fill it out and leave it on comments for me, people who love me?
+what is my name?
+what is your first memory of me:
+how long have we been friends:
+tell about one memory we share together:
+describe me in four adjectives:
+if we could spend a day together what would we do:
+name one thing you really like about me:
+if you could give me a gift what would it be:
+have we ever hugged:
+what is something embarrassing that i've done:
+what do i usually look like when you see me:
+when have i helped you:
+what do i say all the time:
+do you think we will be friends in 5 years:
+what do you admire about me:
+has there been anything you wanted to tell me, but didn't:
+what advice would you give me, in general:
+suggest a band / cd for me to listen to:
+is there a song that reminds you of me:
+what will i be doing later in life: